orly?

The cause and effect of a matter.

Despite your seniority over me with age, I think you haven’t understood one thing. Or maybe you have only learned this much. Not listened with your heart and soul. This one thing I understand very clearly, a very vicious component. That you don’t stack your ill-good feelings inside yourself. And lash it out when you can’t take anymore.

Or maybe that were your intentions in the first place. To make me feel really bad, make me dread, and fear you. And in all that fear and threat, I will listen to you. You probably don’t understand. I’m not like that. If you make me dread anything, please know I will try to avoid you as much as possible. If it becomes bad enough, I’ll quit my job. But maybe that’s because of my inability. But I know I do function best if you tell me my mistakes one by one seriously with non-condescending usage of words, rather than a one-time lashing out.

But then again, who can be such patient of a boss. It’s a business after all. You are, after all.. superior than I am, in that sense. And I can’t say anything. I admit that it was my mistakes that caused such, and they happened all at once. As it was, even without you lecturing, I already felt bad. I already had it in my mind not to do it again.

And then you ruined your image of someone I can look up to by expressing heavy disappointment, in the utmost fucked up ways. Asking me to DECIDE whether I have hope, or not.

After realizing what you’ve said, amidst all that stress, and disappointment in myself, recollections of how my mom says this sort of things.. and retarded, useless crying, humiliation and revealing of vulnerabilities in that sense, I am pissed. Very. However diplomatic or tactful I have put it, I am pissed. Because from a different perspective, you are looking down on me.

Wreck

I think I’m driving myself crazy
I think you’re driving me crazy

Now I don’t know what to do.
What can I do?
Nothing

What can I do? 
Nothing

I really don’t know what to do
I feel helpless
Very lost

And I keep dreaming of you
I keep thinking of you

What should I do?

:( 

Oh, what nostalgia.. just that it’s happening now.

My mom’s spots are back from my primary school generation. She gets stressed up over non-consequential things and starts raising her voice and letting the whole world know what we were supposed to do that we’re not doing. In this case, doing up a passport. I don’t know why she’s treating us like we’re in primary school/secondary school that she would need to accompany us to do it.. And I seriously thought we were over this phase. And it’s not like I can’t go down myself to do one. She’s convinced a tsunami or whatever might happen within the next one month and that I should do it straightaway.. (exaggeration) My passport only expires in two weeks.

Overreaction.. serious.

(And all you conservative people will think I’m an asshole, not that this is the only thing she’s been raising her voice over- which is very loud and I’d rather, if I have to not experience again)

Yup, just rambling.. back to slumberland.